Friday, October 14, 2005

Mixed Feelings

Friday morning-- in a few hours I will be on my way to a doctor visit. I have mixed feelings about this, partly because I am unsure if this new doctor will be the right one for me. Another part of me has been avoiding doctors in general for my whole family due to the cost of healthcare. Life without health insurance is a very interesting place to be, to say the least. Let me just say, well, I really don't know what to say.....I think when we finally pay off hospital bills for Little Sister Girl I will feel much relieved and less scrutinized. It is a terrible feeling to be in debt to someone (wait, did I just call a hospital/doctor's office someone ? What can I possibly be thinking?). I think mostly I am trying to retain a shred of dignity when I take myself or my family for medical care. I always thought before that there would be no difference in care I would receive no matter what my financial or insurance situation is/was. I had always heard that some offices would treat people differently if they were using a Medical Card/ Medicare, and I didn't believe it. I guess it is my own perception really, but it feels much different to have had health insurance, easily get care and pay a copay, and then suddenly be without this, and be ineligible for any health assistance. Don't get me wrong, I get a special self-pay amount that is discounted (supposedly) from regular rates. Woo hoo. But I have to pay in full for every visit to get this special rate. Every time I think I have let this issue go, something comes up and I realize I am still angry about the whole situation. It also doesn't help that I will have to leave Dancer Girl this morning with Long Hair Daddy. No problem, usually. She has had a low-grade fever for two nights now, and has been feeling puny, and mostly wanted me to hold her and snuggle. Little Sister Girl, now 19 mos, still is too young to really understand and hasn't wanted to share Mommy at all(translation-- lots of screaming and crying when I can't hold her). I feel very drained, and yet at the same time, I am glad that I am her Mommy and that I have love and patience for her that no one else has. I feel glad that she wants me to hold her and comfort her. I get this feeling that I will blink my eyes and she will be grown up. I hope she will never outgrow needing me, but know that some things will never be the same as when she is this little.

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